Loss
it hurts
If you are here because you have experienced the pain of loss in your life we want you to know that you are not alone.
Loss hurts, and many people around you have experienced the heart sinking, all encompassing, heart breaking grip of loss too. It can feel like it will never pass. Perhaps you feel you don’t even want it to pass because that would mean saying the final goodbye? Loss is an experience that punctuates our lives from birth til death, some losses are small and easily overcome, some devastating and life shaping. Loss is part of life.
When we experience loss we are vulnerable mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Loss can be like cutting off a part of our body, it leaves a wound exposed and vulnerable to infection. We want to find ways of minimising the harm of loss, whilst learning to grieve in healthy ways that are ultimately life affirming and wholesome.
Psalm 34:18 tells us :
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
A Promise
His promise is that whatever we have experienced in life, there is nothing that can separate us from his healing power and love. You can experience God’s comfort in every type of loss, he can heal you, and He is able to bring good out of the hardest experiences.
In this section you will find some reflections on loss and grieving as well as some practical tips for dealing with the loss today, and some helpful suggestions for caring for your soul in times of loss.
“I keep on swallowing”
“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.”
C. S. Lewis, ‘A Grief Observed’.
It’s a brilliant description of grief, and it is one that many many people have kept returning to since C. S. Lewis wrote the book A Grief Observed.
He compiled it from the four notebooks he used to vent and explore his grief after the death of his beloved wife Joy. He recounts in detail grief’s repetitions, its strange boredoms, its agonising small moments. When we hear these descriptions we realise again that all of us go through grief and loss at some point in our lives and it helps to dispel the loneliness of grief which can be so isolating.
Sometimes grief can be so overwhelming, the pain so excruciating that we feel it changes us, even changes God, who once seemed kind but now seems distant and cruel. These feelings can come and go as we grieve but we may be surprised at what comes out of us under its pressures. Even Lewis as he processed through the stages of grief would be surprised at what he would write in the dark times.
“I wrote that last night. It was a yell rather than a thought. Let me try it over again.”
C S Lewis: A Grief Observed
The pandemic has brought many of us into close contact with grief. We grieve loved ones we have lost, we grieve jobs and income we have lost, we grieve missed weddings, funerals, graduation ceremonies, we grieve a way of life that seems to be gone for good. What has your experience of loss and grieving been in your life? How have you coped?
How are you doing?
A common perception people have when they are grieving is that no one else has really experienced loss or suffering quite like this. The trouble is that this can make us feel truly alone in our grief and that sense of isolation increases our suffering. When others reach out to help we can withdraw, perceiving they cannot understand or help. This isn’t true.
The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. (1 Corinthians 10: 13.)
The bible tells is that all these experiences are common to all of us, and that God will be faithful in all our trials. Even death itself can be kept in perspective when we consider that death is not a permanent split for believers. Painful though it is, it is just a long separation. We will be united with those who have died and that brings great comfort. (Thessalonians 4:18).
The apostle Paul said that we do not ‘grieve like those who have no hope’. Grieving without hope has terrible consequences for our mental health, but the bible assures us, there is a way to find hope in all our life circumstances, however painful and dark they may seem.
Faith in God allows us to hope for justice, restoration, new life, and healing. In the darkest moments we may not see it yet, but faith tells us, something good is coming, or as the last line of a Grief Observed reads:
‘Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.”
Our prayer is that God will reveal to you a new landscape of hope as you journey with him.
Practical Steps
to Help You Process loss today
1.
Give yourself time. Don’t put time-limits on your grief. Grief does lessen with time, but how quickly and to what extent is difficult to predict. Grief is about learning to accept and manage our sadness around loss, not to eliminate it.
2.
Resist comparing your grief to other people’s. Comparison when it comes to grief can be invalidating, inbuilt into most comparisons is a subtle evaluation that our grief should look and feel more like someone else’s. The implication being that there’s something wrong with our grief. Grief is complex. And complexity doesn’t lend itself well to superficial comparisons.
3.
Spend time grieving intentionally. Trying to avoid difficult emotions only makes them stronger in the long-run. But by deliberately approaching difficult emotions like sadness, we can train our brain to become more comfortable with them.
Journal : make time to grieve and be sad on purpose. Carve out some time on a regular basis to approach your grief and sadness intentionally and willingly. So, you might make out 10 minutes each evening and write in your journal about the sadness you’re feeling or about the memories that are most painful for you.
4.
Seek out the right kind of social support. While deliberately talking about and sharing your grief can be helpful for some people at certain stages, that’s not the only way to get social support while you’re grieving. Just because you’re grieving, doesn’t mean you have to talk about your grief all the time! Your grief process is your own. Which means how and when you choose to talk about it is up to you.
5.
Allow yourself you feel more than just sadness. While sadness is often a large or even dominant part of our emotional reaction to loss, it’s almost never the only one: people who transition well through grief is that they’re open and accepting of all their emotions and reactions during grief.
6.
Take self-care seriously. Unfortunately, amid the chaos and confusion of grief, many people let go of healthy habits and routines they normally engage in. Ironically, this makes it harder to navigate your grief well. So eat well. Try to sleep well. Keep exercising. And stay connected with the community around you.
Soul Care
Honesty
Give yourself permission to grieve honestly. If we are trying to hold on to faith in dark times we may feel a subtle pressure to put on a brave face, talk about ‘knowing that God is at work’, to look like we have managed to find peace. That pressure is the last thing we need when we are trying to come to terms with loss. Healthy grieving needs brutal honesty, facing feelings and learning to find God in new ways as the old pathways appear to close up. The reason why A Grief Observed is so helpful is because C S Lewis told it how it is, in all it’s messy reality.
The Psalms
Find a voice in the psalms. The psalms are honest prayers, so honest, that when you are feeling good you might find them a bit depressing to read! But in times of grief they are exactly what we need. Search them to find a voice for your pain and fear, and then keep reading to allow the psalmist to lead you out of the valley into a place of faith. Let that become your practice for the moment.
Lament
Learning to lament. Prayers of lament are a valid biblical form of prayer - that acknowledges pain, injustice and sorrow; it gives voice to the real questions, and longing for renewal that arises during times of suffering. The Psalmist prays : “How long O Lord, will you forget me forever? “ If it’s in the bible, then you can pray it! Some worship songs are songs of lament, there are poems that give voice to the journey through grief, find them and find your voice.
Prayer Support
Ask someone to hold you in their prayers - until you feel able to sustain your own prayer life again. That is the role of the family of God, the apostle Paul says: Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. When one part suffers, the whole part suffers” . At some point in the future you will do the same for someone else, and with great compassion because of what you have been through.
Grieving
Keep an eye on your grieving, and try to grieve healthily. Easier said than done, but grieving healthily acknowledges the pain but continues to pass through it. If we feel we are getting stuck, reaching out to someone who can pray with you and talk things through is a really good idea.
Daily Steps
Today: Write down the most honest prayer you can come up with and commit to doing that as the days go by. You will see a change if you stick with God in the valley of the shadow. Perhaps like C S Lewis your prayers will transform from ‘yells’ to ‘thoughts’.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 23 v 4
Contributor: Clare Thompson, Woodlands Church Bristol
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