SHAME

What is shame and why is Brene Brown’s TED talk on shame and vulnerability one of the most popular TED talks of all time? I think Brene put her finger on a problem we didn't quite know we had. It seemed like she was tapping into a stream of rarely acknowledged emotion that was polluting the minds and hearts of many people, like an underground river full of toxic waste.

Shame is a pain!

Shame is defined as ‘a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour’. That seems like a mild description of what can be a crippling emotion!

Shame has serious consequences for our mental health and well-being and exploring the sources of shame in our lives may help us work at overcoming it’s toxic effects in our lives.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

Psalm 34:4-5

Those who look to him are radiant! That probably feels like an impossible idea, but we believe that shame can be overcome. You can learn to love your life, and yourself, as you explore a relationship with God, who loves you so very much.

Living with shame is a bit like having someone with a megaphone shouting insults at us! The voice of shame seems to drown out everything that is good and light hearted in our lives. It’s hard to see ourselves in a positive way, hard to believe that we are loved, hard to see a future that is not full of pain and isolation. 

“Women are quicker to feel humiliated than men, and adolescents feel shame more intensely than adults do. As a result, women and adolescents are more susceptible to the negative effects of shame, such as low self-esteem and depression”.

Scientific American 2019

Perhaps you can relate to that statement? Perhaps you have experienced the downward drag of shame in your life? Perhaps you have experienced the desire to withdraw and hide from the world, because of how you see yourself?  Perhaps you have experienced the feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness that often accompany shame?

Shame can occasionally arise in our lives because of things we have done that we feel are wrong or stupid, but often it has much deeper roots. It may arise in our early life, from the way we have been treated, it may come through trauma and experiences of rejection, perhaps the sources of shame in our lives are unknown to us.  These experiences fundamentally shape the view we carry deep within of ourselves, our worth and our personal power. We may feel that we are not worthy of happiness or intimacy in relationships, and this may carry over into our relationship with God. Sometimes people who live with shame feel that ultimately God cannot accept them because he knows more than anyone else, just how bad they are! 

Wearing masks

One of the problems that shame brings into our lives comes from our attempts to mask it, we defend ourselves in numerous ways as we try to manage the pain. Brene Brown in her TED talk speaks about the problem of numbing pain and shame and how that can cause us to shut down or live a kind of false life, hiding behind the masks of numerous defence mechanisms. 

Here are five ways shame shapes peoples’ lives.

1. Avoiding relationships, vulnerability, and community. 

2. People who live with shame are prone to suppressing their emotions. 

3. People who live with shame often feel worthless, depressed, and anxious. 

4. People who live with shame are less likely to take healthy risks.

5. People who live with shame are more likely to relapse back into problem behaviours ( believing they are worthless, and so they often begin to treat themselves as though they are worthless by engaging in behaviors that they know are bad for their health and well-being.

Am I acceptable to God? 

People who live with shame may feel deep down that they can never be truly accepted by God.  It is a struggle to to be real, open and trusting when you feel you may be rejected or are inadequate. It has to be said that Christianity has had a bit of a checkered history with its teaching on sin, guilt and shame and ‘treading carefully’ is definitely in order!

The bible does dive right into the problem of sin and guilt in the first few chapters of Genesis as it tells the story of the catastrophic separation that results from human beings choosing independence from God.  By the end of the third chapter of Genesis two vulnerable human beings are hiding in the bushes, not wanting to be seen, known and exposed. Sound familiar? It’s the ancient story of the human race. 

But Genesis also tells us that we before all that began, human beings were made in the ‘image of God’. Being made in God"s image means that whoever we are, wherever we have come from we are imprinted with his personality, creativity, capacity to love and be loved, desire to connect with others, his authority and desire to overcome evil with good. That is good news! 

Where are you? 

Then the man and his wife heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the breeze of the day, and they hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called out to the man, “Where are you?”. “I heard Your voice in the garden,” he replied, “and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself.”… (Genesis 3)

The journey of overcoming shame feels fraught with risk for people who are used to hiding. Stepping out from behind our masks  and defence mechanisms can be terrifying, but God’s love, acceptance and healing are exactly what people who live with shame need to know. The over-arching story of the bible is the story of God’s radical and loving solution to the ancient human problem of failure, shame and isolation . We hope that you are on a journey of discovering the powerful love and acceptance of God in your life and we want to encourage you to keep going and not give up!

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1.

Seek out relationships and commit to vulnerability with safe people. Do everything in your power to find community. Shame begins to disappear when it is shared in a safe place.

2.

Move out of your head and into the open. Don’t keep everything inside. Put your shame out into the world. Write about the shame. Share your story of shame. Create artwork that represents your shame. Shame finds healing when it is taken outside of ourselves and placed into the world in some way.

3.

Develop self-compassion. Consider what you would say to a friend who was feeling the same things you feel. Begin to respond to yourself with love and care and concern, just as you would respond to others with love and care and concern.

4.

Take one small risk. Attempt something that might end in failure. Do something that is difficult. You will either succeed and find hope that you can do more than you thought. Or, you might fail and realise that failure isn’t the end of the world. Either way, you begin to find healing for your shame.

5.

Believe that healing is possible. Make one good decision in the right direction and see how you feel. Believe that you can choose to make good choices over and over again until your life is completely changed.

Soul Care

1.

Understand What God Says About You

Find out what the bible teaches about the inherent value and dignity of all human beings. Make a list of what the bible says about you and begin to meditate on these truths daily.

2.

Surround yourself with people who affirm the truth of who God says you are

Build supportive community and relationships with people who affirm your true value, who love you for who you really are and can walk the journey of healing with you. It’s risky we know, but it is the only way to begin to walk out of the shame trap.

3.

Cut the trash-talk!

Many of us have lived with an internal voice of shame for most of our lives (I am worthless,” “I can’t do anything right” ) and we are so used to talking down to ourselves. Freedom from shame will mean choosing to stop talking down to ourselves. We need to agree with what God says about us - however hard to believe it really is! Why not develop ten new statements to say about yourself, that God says in the bible and practice saying them in the mirror?

4.

Seek healing and freedom.

Our Wholeness Course at Woodlands Church explores how to find freedom from past hurts, how to forgive and how to embrace a new identity in God. We encourage you to go on the Wholeness course and find renewal and healing.

5.

Become a minister of healing.

God followers are called into a ministry of healing for others, sharing what we have received on our own healing journey and handing it on. Learn to pray for others, read up on how you can grow in this, get involved in your church with a ministry or serving team. Go from ‘victim to minister’.

Contributor: Clare Thompson, Woodlands Church Bristol