Walking The Tight Rope
A JOURNEY OF RECOVERY
Have you ever felt like you are walking on a tightrope?
Or perhaps walking through darkness unable to find a light to help you see your way?
Maybe you look around you and it seems as if there are some people who seem able to walk that tight rope so well, they seem steady and confident, they are practiced at balancing, they walk in the light.
If you had asked me this a while ago I would have said “yes, life is a tight rope and at any point I could just fall off into the darkness” but these days I am beginning to feel that maybe, just maybe I am not going to fall. I am finding away to balance and walk - what a brilliant thing to be able to say!
And I hope in sharing some of my story I can help you to balance and walk better too!
I would firstly like to say I am 61 years of age and have come to faith in God just in the last couple of years. This is all new to me.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me
with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29
My life from a very early age was difficult. I experienced significant abuse as both a child and an adult. Throughout my life until very recently I was utterly miserable, had periods of significant depression and thoughts of suicide. I felt lonely and isolated, had no self-worth and using the analogy, constantly wobbled on the tightrope as if I was wearing the wrong shoes. On the tightrope, as in life, I realise you need shoes that are soft and flexible, not great big clumpy ones with steel capped toes; I had several pairs of hard boots like these!
My boots were my defenders - they were behaviours I had learned that at the time served a purpose but eventually became a barrier to my freedom.
Realising this was a revelation to me.
I have recently realised that I need to UNLEARN old behaviours and thoughts and LEARN new ones.
LEARNING AND UNLEARNING
To protect myself I would go to great lengths to avoid feeling vulnerable, I would not make friendships in fear I may be abused or used in some way, my self-esteem was low and I couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to know me. I showed no kindness towards myself. I learnt to shut down, stay distant and developed a tough shell. This resulted in me being isolated, lonely and not knowing how to receive love.
For many years, to try and overcome this sense of self-loathing, depression and the challenges of being vulnerable (good things can come from this I have learnt) I engaged in lots of therapy in many different shapes and forms, and took medication. Some of the interventions were helpful, particularly around managing my flashbacks and suicidality associated with these. In hindsight the therapy to some extent highlighted the extent of my brokenness but there was nothing in my life to balance this out. I didn’t really learn to let my guard down and most of my unhelpful coping strategies just continued.
I realise now that these behaviours were the very things that were stopping me from growing and finding freedom and UNLEARNING these strategies has been essential on my path to freedom.
So, I plodded on through life thinking that not feeling suicidal and being able to sustain and function reasonably well within my working life was ok and, in the scheme of things better than it had been. But then in 2019 everything went very wrong again. I discovered (another testimony for another time) that I had been financially defrauded out of £ 270,000. My world came crashing down both in terms of a sense of loss and a further experience of abuse. How was I ever to recover? I felt like I had fallen off the tightrope and was hanging on, dangling, by my fingertips. But, in this time of great adversity, without knowing, without asking, I started to be pursued actively by God through a colleague who was a practicing Christian. She held hope for me when I felt hopeless, she was persistent in her message that God was good and loving, she repeatedly sent me this verse.
If I say….
“Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Psalm 139:11-14
In truth, at the time, I didn’t understand what this meant but now can appreciate that we are all seen by a loving God. He will know when you are in darkness and when it is time to be brought to the light. He wants us to find freedom and for me this meant learning new ways of relating to myself, others and God himself. I am learning that he can help us do this. Sometimes this may not be in a way you expect, or may not be as quick as you would wish, but do not to be discouraged by this. At times I was quite discouraged or doubting and couldn’t understand why there was so much to show me that God was pursuing me but I couldn’t engage or relate to it on an emotional level. I have now begun to understand that it is about allowing yourself some vulnerability and learning to trust. For me the road to wholeness is doing exactly this - unlearning old behaviours around being in a relationship and learning new ones.
This unlearning and learning was really put to the test this Easter. I hadn’t realised (naive I know!) that after his crucifixion Jesus rose as a real person not as a spirit as I had thought. This utterly blew my mind. I have throughout my life functioned on logic and thought, but there was no logic as to how this could happen.
I just couldn’t believe it.
My new found faith felt very wobbly and vulnerable, but then something happened that blew my mind just as much!
A couple of weeks after this I went to a prophecy clinic at Woodlands Church which had been booked before Easter. I was feeling cynical still but the prayer and words I received though prophecy were so accurate and detailed about my situation that I had to believe that I was seen by God and that He did not want me to leave the journey. Feelings were stirred that were impossible to ignore and I was pulled right back into my journey, having to trust the process, people and God.
It was unlearning and learning - in action!
I have had other periods where I thought about leaving the journey of faith but it seemed that every time, I had a period of restlessness something would happen that would bring me back and make me a bit stronger – maybe a bible verse sent by someone, a prayer, a prophecy. Whatever it was, I started to build some trusting relationships which laid a foundation for spiritual growth and a relationship with God. I was reminded, and shown repeatedly, I was known and seen. I started to unlearn my habit of isolating and learnt to reach out. This knowledge and understanding brought me a sense of freedom and peace, something I had never experienced in my lifetime.
Mind blowing.
I have recently read C S Lewis, the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. NOT the sort of book I would usually read but I was struck by the analogy of Jesus’s life and the part where he overcame the White witch to get freedom for one of the characters, Edmund. At this point, the relentless winter in Narnia came to an end and spring arrived. That so encapsulates my feelings on this journey - the arrival of spring with colour and growth.
Perhaps I have been unlearning my winter habits and learning spring habits?
Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have
Spring again
So, back to the tight rope.
I am finally experiencing peace. I believe it was offered to me all along but I didn’t feel until I came to a point of being able to accept the gift. It’s as if I am learning how to balance. Now my shoes are helping not hindering. I am persevering with unlearning and learning, helped by the persistent encouragement of those who have discipled me. I would encourage you to spend time with, and learn from, those of faith as it can make a big difference.
So my message to all the tight rope walkers out there is: unlearn unhelpful and defended behaviours – throw out those steel capped clumpy shoes – and learn new behaviours that open you up to trust and freedom – soft flexible shoes after all give you much better balance and let you dance.
A spacious place
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.
Psalm 18:16-19
My 3 things to LEARN and unlearn
Unlearn destructive coping strategies
and start growing.
I have learnt that always feeling you have to defend yourself, and be independent, may seem like a good place to be if you are feeling unsafe but ultimately it makes you feel lonely and unloved and therefore something to try and let go of. It’s scary but gives you a new and different season to grow, learn and feel like you really do matter.Unlearn automatically distrusting people,
and learn to trust.I have learnt that trust can be a positive thing and not everyone is out to wrong do you. This has been a tough nut for me to crack but I am learning that vulnerability is not always a bad thing, and being vulnerable to God can give him the opportunity to help or guide you. Back to the analogy of the tightrope, my soft flexible shoes are a much better fit for walking along the rope and even though I may wobble -a little or a lot-I am able to get my balance back much more easily than when I wore my big, heavy clumpy shoes.
Unlearn self-deprecating thinking
and learn to like yourself.I have learnt that I am as deserving as the next person to be forgiven and forgive. I have lived a life where I have thought I am a worthless person but am learning that this isn’t true. I am kind and generous and these are endearing qualities which make me feel ok about myself. I am learning this through being more open to accepting positive affirmation and the utter grace which I believe God has shown towards me. I am so thankful I no longer despise myself, it’s a peaceful restorative place to be.
Contributor: Ros Stower