Whole Minds Stories: Chris's Story.

We live in a culture that sets high value on the way we look and present ourselves.

I sat down with a friend Chris, he had spoken openly earlier in the year about his struggle to overcome Body Dysmorphia Disorder throughout his teens and early adulthood. To feel displeasure in ones appearance isn’t uncommon, but individuals who suffer from Body Dysmorphia have extreme misperceptions about their physical appearance. BDD as it is known affects as many as 2.4% of the population, It usually begins in adolescence and is an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder often associated with Social Anxiety. Sufferers report experiencing symptoms including extended periods of social impairment, poor concentration, reduced academic and occupational performance with a high incidence of suicidal thoughts.

Struck by Chris’s honesty and capacity to share his story, as it’s not often that I hear men speak so candidly about body image and issues with self-esteem, I asked if we could meet and speak more in depth. I felt certain that his story would help others who are living with similar mental health vulnerabilities. During our discussion he was able to share with me his journey, out of a dark place with this hidden unease in himself, to a place of peace. Chris has a strikingly calm and thoughtful nature, yet he is able to describe a time of overwhelming self-loathing. As a teenager he longed to fit in, he felt he had to look and act a certain way to be accepted by his peers. Without someone else to confide in he was overcome with shame. Whilst listening to Chris I wondered how many young men have suffered the same debilitating emotions, but have had no one to speak to. Chris told me how his friends would laugh and minimise these sorts of topics, so he suffered silently.

Like many other people in search of wholeness, Chris’s spiritual journey led him to explore other faiths, before finally becoming a Christian in 2016. His relationship with Jesus has helped him excavate the deeper parts of himself. He talked about previously feeling alone, he was searching for something bigger than himself, something eternal. When asked what he does now when feelings of inadequacy threaten his peace, Chris simply answered that he finds guidance in the bible, particularly the letters from Paul. He went on to explain that Body Dysmorphia no longer feels like a part of himself, so he is able to step back and reflect on his thoughts from a stronger place. I am so encouraged by Chris; I feel sure that there is freedom for sufferers of Body Dysmorphia and Chris’ story is a brilliant illustration of that. This is Chris’ story in his own words:

At 12 years old I began to really hate myself and my body. I obsessed over it and became withdrawn and cut off from others. I can remember each night I would go through each part of my body and think about what was wrong with it. As I got older I struggled with anxiety, depression and self-hatred. I searched for a way out through; self-help, new age practices and then Buddhism- which I did for 10 years. This gave me some peace, but left me pessimistic and resigned to seeing life as something to endure. I struggled with body dysmorphia, which is a condition where you are extremely preoccupied with perceived flaws, that to others can’t be seen or appear minor. I despised the way I looked and felt ugly and deformed. It got to the point where I couldn’t see a way forward and was self harming and contemplating suicide.

In 2012 a friend from work Invited me to church. I experienced a release of hurt and resentment I had held onto for along time. For the next 3 years I attempted to create my own religion of combining Buddhism with Christianity, this left me confused and uncertain as I flittered between different ideas and beliefs. After a recommendation, I decided to try doing a Christian retreat. It was at Ffald-y-Brenin in Pembrokeshire.

At first I felt like an imposter, the other guests seemed to have a close relationship with God and spoke confidently about their faith. I was close to leaving but, persevered and on the day before I left something incredible happened. A lady asked me to pray for her, which I hadn’t ever done out loud before. When I prayed for her, I saw a clear picture of her with her children. I could see how deeply she loved them yet how vulnerable they were in the world. A greater love surrounded them, a love brilliant and perfect which I had never seen before.

Healing

Witnessing it released all the pain I had held onto; it came pouring out through me in waves of tears. I felt and heard God, In that moment I knew He was real and His love was beyond anything I could comprehend.

The next day I couldn’t believe what had happened, what the Bible said was true. I began reading the scriptures in a new way, they became alive. I was in complete awe of what had happened, with an excitement of what my future held.

How am I different now ?

My life changed significantly from that point. I had thought life was something to endure. I remember feeling shocked at the realisation that life could be something you could enjoy. Over the coming weeks I realised that body dysmorphia and suicidal thoughts had left me. I had found a new hope and freedom. My future appeared bright with endless possibilities. I have been walking this new journey now for five years and it has been the best time of my life.

I called to the Lord
from my narrow prison
and He answered me
in the freedom of space.
Psalm 118:5

(quoted by Viktor Frankl)

Contributors: Ash Chambers talking to Chris Gardiner