Whole Minds Stories : Will's Story
“Have I locked the front door?” It’s a question we all ask ourselves from time to time. There’s nothing wrong with that. Okay, so I’ll just pop back and check it. Okay, it’s locked.
But is it?
Okay, just one more check, fine – phew.
But what if I didn’t check it properly, or if checking damaged the lock and now it’s open? NO, STOP IT! You’re just being silly. But what if I’m not? What if the door is open, and someone gets into my house, and steals my housemates’ stuff, and my stuff? Do they have insurance? What if they don’t and can’t afford to replace it? Well then, I’ll have to pay, but what if I can’t afford to pay andThenI’llHaveNoMoneyAndNeedToMoveOut …
Sound familiar? I hope not! But for a long time, this was my daily thought process around many different things. I thought it was anxiety. “I’m just anxious” I would tell myself. I would do some breathing exercises, maybe pray, and then walk away, only to find myself returning to door, cooker, document I was working on, and checking again.
In early 2021 I suffered an intense breakdown that culminated in depression and passive death wishes. This means that I would often think “wouldn’t it just be better if I wasn’t here”. I had no plans to follow through with this, but the thoughts were there. I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t feel sad. I wasn’t excited about seeing my partner or going out with friends. Everything was very numb, except for the intense and repetitive thoughts that would go round and round in my head. I just wished they would stop and leave me alone. I eventually broke down on the phone to my mum and ended up moving in with my dad in order to be looked after and gather myself. I felt like I had failed. Why was I not strong enough to deal with these thoughts? They were only thoughts after all. I knew that they were going against what I knew to be true.
During this time, I went to speak to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). It wasn’t a radical revelation for me. I wasn’t shocked, I had always thought I had an anxiety disorder. I started receiving treatment and over several months I began to understand myself more, challenge the thoughts I was having, and I am now in a much better place. I can live a more free and liberated life because of the treatment and support I have received from professionals, family, and friends.
But where was God in all this? Where is God in this? I used to pray these feelings would go away. That the thoughts would stop, and I would feel less anxious. Why did it take years of counselling, repetitive cycles of anxiety and an eventual breakdown for this to get addressed? Honestly, I don’t know. But my faith hasn’t been shaken during this time. If anything, it has been bolstered. I am lucky and blessed to have support around me. Through the time I had recovering God really showed me how much I have to be grateful for. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t see this in the moment, but looking back I can see it very clearly.
Romans 8:28
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” (NLT)
Since I was diagnosed and been on the road to recovery, I have been able to talk to people about my experience. Whilst I do not believe God caused me to suffer, I do believe that the situation has been used so that I can speak to others and support others from a position of genuine empathy – and I absolutely am grateful for that.
Remember, if you are bottling things up, putting on a front whilst inside you are screaming, you are not weak – you are strong. It takes immense strength to face each day with all that going on under the surface. But take it from someone who has been there – admitting that’s how you’re feeling and getting the help can take you into a place where that strength can be used for what God wants it to be used for, and with each day you’ll grow stronger in yourself. It takes time, it takes power, but if you’re already living with this stuff then you’re already strong enough to take it on.
Contributor: Will Awad.