Wholeminds Stories: Grace's Story
Grace’s story
If someone had shown me this snapshot 5 years ago, there is no way I would've believed that this was me, that this was my life.
I developed an Eating Disorder around the age of 8, was diagnosed at 13, and was hospitalised shortly after my diagnosis. That became years of revolving doors which I never thought I'd escape.
Eating disorders are not about food. They are a mental illness where food is used as a tool to cope with unbearable emotions and/or circumstances, and weight change can be a symptom, but not always.
The dark reality of having anorexia is nothing to do with vanity or seeking attention. It is torment. My eating rituals become so fixated that the thought of eating a food I do not deem 'safe' fills me with absolute terror. Living by fixated numbers, rituals and rules is exhausting, breaking these laws are terrifying. Back then I believed if I made my life as small as possible, somehow it would make life more manageable. That maybe everything would just disappear. That every intrusive thought, every loud and damaging voice in my head would just get a bit quieter.
Exhausting & terrifying.
Living by fixated numbers, rituals and rules is exhausting, breaking these laws are terrifying
Anorexia puts immense pressure on the whole body. I had weak bones, downy hair all over my body, I was bone achingly cold constantly. My hair was thin, my skin was so dry it would flake off in clumps. And I was so desperately sad.
There is nothing I have ever experienced more painful that having anorexia. Being trapped in a mind consumed with anorexia is unbearable.
Then about 4 1/2 years ago, in one moment everything changed. On Easter Sunday night of that year, I had a powerful encounter with Jesus Christ. I could feel him in the room with me and in a moment I knew how it felt to be seen, known and loved. Three things I'd never known before. I believe that day I was filled with the Holy Spirit, and was given a strength I never had before to be able to make the changes I needed towards recovery.
There are many people that would question my testimony, and potentially my faith. However I know that without God answering my prayer that evening I would not be here. God didn't take away everything for me in one go. My circumstances didn't change, I was still in a critical physical position, I was still living in a very unsuitable place, I still had my trauma and my pain. But what did change was my perspective. Within the same week I also began climbing at the local climbing gym with a friend I had met in my final eating disorder unit; I got hooked instantly. The last 4 ½ years have been very hard, but also amazing. God has taken me on a slow, gentle healing journey, enabling me to gradually deepen my trust and dependence on Him.
My relationship with Jesus is very much like my relationship with climbing. As soon as it begun I was all in, madly in love and I have put all of me into it! Starting climbing gave me a space to process some difficult things that came up, and crucially it gave me a desire to get strong. I saw all those boulder problems as inspiration. I wanted to get to the top, and so I needed to eat. Climbing has many highs and lows, there are moments where you feel invincible and can see what you have overcome, but there are also moments where it feels really sketchy, and you are afraid. At times I had to push through barriers to get to the next ‘good hold’ not knowing if I was going to make it. Both in climbing and church I began to find my place within a community and made friends. I have now got friends that I can trust and rely on, and love with all my heart.
“At times I had to push through so many barriers to get to the next good hold not knowing if I was going to make it”.
As a new Christian with a somewhat colourful history and a lot of baggage, it hasn't been easy for me. I've had moments where I felt incredibly out of place, I didn’t feel good or clean enough, I felt unqualified and undeserving. But the beautiful thing about Jesus is that He welcomes anyone into His family who has an open heart, to receive His love. I found this hard to comprehend at first, but again, there has been a gradual chipping away of the lies that have kept me imprisoned my whole life.
Good news!
Then suddenly, half way through my journey, a couple of years ago I felt as if my life was falling apart again. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I was depressed. I felt the familiar feelings of shame; I was a depressed Christian, a believer in Jesus who was trapped in an uncontrollable cycle of panic attacks, it led me to a mental breakdown. At this point I really wrestled with God. I couldn't understand why all these things were happening to me, why couldn't He make it stop? Surely I had left all this behind me?
But the reason they didn't stop was because I was finally in a place to face up to the trauma I had experienced. I needed to understand the roots of my eating disorder and heal. It took time, and going through it all was incredibly painful - my heart goes out to anyone struggling with this at the moment. But the one thing I held on to the whole time was a ‘prophetic word’ ( a type of Christian prayer where someone feels God has spoken to them about you ). I had received this a year beforehand and it was simply this: "He is with you in the darkness". I clung onto that word. This was a process that I could never have done without God. And I am still doing that today. There are parts of my past that are so painful, so unbearable to look at, but I now know Jesus is right there with me in it.
In the third lockdown, I came to the end of myself. I thought that I was going to die in my sadness I was so overwhelmed by the grief and my trauma. But in this time that I had another encounter with Jesus. In his presence I understood that our Jesus suffered excruciating pain too; I encountered the deep compassion and love of Christ in that moment and incredibly He gave me a series of visions and dreams of heaven. It left me with a new ‘heavenly perspective’, of something far greater. A time when all my tears would be wiped away, that there will be no more pain, no more sorrow. And it was this that I held on to knowing that what I was experiencing wasn't the end, but the beginning.
This was the moment where I finally was able to let go of my anorexia to the point of full physical recovery. They call it 'all in'. I had reached a breaking point where I couldn't live with my anorexia any more. My physical body and my mind were exhausted and battered, and I had to let go. It was the scariest decision I have ever made. I had no idea what my life would look like, how I would cope, whether or not I'd be rejected by everyone…I had no idea what life was like without anorexia.
This time was terrifying. A bit like falling off a route before your belayer catches you on the rope. I felt like I was free falling with no clear identity, detached from my changing body and filled with so much anxiety. But all I could do was just trust God. I held onto this bible verse:
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
Deuteronomy 31: 8
That promise I believe whole heartedly. And that decision was the hardest I ever made.
My story is that God is with us in the valleys and on the mountain tops. When I am struggling, I remember all that God has done for me in my life, and I am so grateful. I know that He is good.
I love my life. Not because it's always great, but because it is such a gift to be alive, and set free in Christ!
A final thought!
I have a photo of me on a mountain top. I was elated, excited, on top of the world. But I have had times, many years in fact, of being in the darkest valley. And I'm sure they won't be my last. My friend at church the other week did an amazing talk on despair using Psalm 42 to illustrate it from a faith perspective. The Psalm, is a prayer from the Old Testament of the bible and it describes a dark night of the soul. My experience of this ‘dark night’ where I was at the end of myself was I believe, vital for my faith journey.
Those times, when I couldn't understand what was happening, when the sadness and horror was overwhelming and I couldn't see God the way I saw Him before, I just had to believe that He was there, despite how I felt. This is faith. My friend told us three un-emotion based truths to hold on to for dear life, which I did in the valley, with white gripped knuckles:
God is real
God is good
God is here
In those times, I encountered a God who didn't quickly take me out of that darkness, but remained with me in it. When I am overwhelmed with grief and sadness, all I want is to be held, and know that I am safe. And that's what I experienced in my darkest night. And that truth, gave me the strength to carry on.
When all else from me was stripped away from me, I had nothing else to cling to apart from God and His word. His word that is life, gives me hope that is not fragile, and will not fade away. I don't think we will ever fully understand why some things happen, I don't think we were designed to carry the weight of that knowledge.
But knowing that there is a God of justice who is good, who is in control, who is all powerful but also ‘weeps with those who weep’ , keeps me stable. Knowing there is a God of love, who can empathise with our humanity and suffering, whoever we are, wherever we are, gives me hope.
"Why my soul are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
For I will yet praise Him,
My saviour and my God"
Psalm 42 The Bible.
So when I am struggling, either with the battle in my mind or the chaos in the world around me, I remember what God has done for me. I remember the darkness He has lifted me out of, all the people He has so carefully placed around me at every single point of my life, and I remember that even when I can't feel Him he is here.
My favourite Psalms are 18, 23, 91, 42, 139 and 118. These Psalms are so authentic, and they give me strength to continue to choose life and a reminder we do not despair without hope.
I am still in therapy, I still struggle. Recovery from an eating disorder and trauma is a relentless uphill climb. But God's grace is even more relentless. And there will be a day, one day, when I will reach the top, and the noise inside me will be completely quiet.
“Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Revelation 21: 3-4
Contributor: Grace Shepherd
