Pavla's Story — whole minds

Finding reasons to keep trusting God. A story of living through the pain of childlessness and finding community.

Are there reasons to keep trusting God?

‘By your spirit I will rise from the ashes of defeat’ is a line from a song written by one of my favourite worship bands, Elevation Worship. It feels like this is the short answer to what I’m going to share. But it has been long road to get to that place.

My name is Pav and I’m childless - end of story. Or is it? To be honest at times the inevitability of the situation could have driven me into despair if I hadn’t been on a journey with God.

When I was growing up, I kept hearing ‘oh, once you’ll have kids you will know.’ Or ‘ I can’t believe you wouldn’t have kids.’ Later when I was hitting my late twenties, the questions became more piercing, ‘ Have you thought about having kids, you shouldn’t wait too long? ’ The well-meant questions were each like a little stab. Every time someone mentioned it, it felt like it left a little wound.

It really hit me when I was 38. I changed countries some time before and found a bit more healing in having space and not being battered with questions about my family status. However, one day there this thought occurred. It acted like a tsunami which hit my mind and swept all joy away with it. “I’m too old to have kids now”. I went through a period where I couldn’t stop thinking about being at the end of my ‘young’ adult life with no kid in tow. I fought the feelings but they kept growing and growing. Eventually the situation culminated in me being at work crying in my office and my colleague came in and took me for a short walk around the block. It was then that I felt someone really heard me for the first time. There was no one I could tell before. Not my friends as I knew that some of them were happy being childfree or I could tell that they were struggling with being single and I did not have the capacity to deal with other people’s struggles at the time. All my home group leaders at church were married with kids. I assumed they wouldn’t really understand it or care.

I prayed and prayed in desperation and I felt that God in his mercy gave me this healing thought: ‘It’s like losing a limb. However nasty that is, I can live with it.’ It made me realise that childlessness can feel like a disability. Everyone who knows you and is in your vicinity, knows. But people with disability can still have a life, even a good life.

Processing childlessness is
a bit like processing living grief.

It is a grief for things which have never existed but nevertheless, it is still a grief, there is no other word for it.

Life can be okay for a period of time and then suddenly it comes unexpectedly, in random situations. I moved into a community house during lockdown and soon I sat with a bunch of my housemates in the lounge. Out of nowhere came this thought: ‘They can and most likely will have kids at some point.’ I think I continued to watch the film with them but it was like the air was drawn out of my lungs. I was only grateful they didn’t see my face and feel my acute hopelessness. I then suppressed those feelings and went on having all the fun which you can have in community life.

The thoughts and feelings came back, however, and I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised. Grief is a process and as many of you know, you have to go through the 5 stages.

I like to think that I’m processing the acceptance stage. I have been helped by reading a book on processing grief ( watch this space for a book review in the near future! ) for but also by God’s boundless grace, mercy and love revealed to me by the Holy Spirit and in the lives of others I’m privileged to know. I am blessed to be able to enjoy being around kids and play with them.

Nowadays, I am convinced that I shouldn’t feel like I am disabled! I am sure some people will always see me as someone who has lost out on life. Someone who has not been able to either get married or have kids. Sometimes I imagine Simon Cowell pressing his red X button on Ex-Factor and saying: ‘You need to leave now’!

But I have decided to stay and live my life!

God has called us to living a life and to serve him in the capacity we have. Not a new knowledge if you have been a Christian for a while but once I allowed the Spirit into it and applied it to my life, it improved things. I found that there really are reasons to trust God even if your desire never gets fulfilled.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Hebrews 11: 1

These days, in my early forties, I try to keep repenting from my fears and cry when I can. As that’s the only way I can give space to the Spirit to direct me and give me a glimpse of that God uses all things for good. Even the broken dreams. God will be with me even if I remain childless and in my case, also single.

If you are struggling, please know you are not alone. And I’d love to have a chat and a cuppa sometime. I do think we should have a support group for people who struggle with childlessness/singleness and or both. Did you know that there is a World Childlessness Week? Why don’t we make sure that the church also celebrates the gifts of people who are childless and perhaps single for whatever reasons? My colleague, the same colleague who took me around the block, said one wise thing – we should allow church to be a bit more like a community – allow single and childless people into our lives a bit more, let them look after our children, be the parents every now and again!

Perhaps it takes a village to bring up a child.