4 Ways You Can Support Your Teen’s Wellbeing as a Parent

As a Youth Pastor I sometimes have the joy of meeting a young person who is simply thriving. Not that they are without struggles but they appear to be discovering what it means to flourish in the midst of life’s battles. The other day I sat down with one such teenager. I am a new parent and I have been a little surprised by the intensity of the desire I have to see my son thrive in every way. So I couldn’t miss the opportunity to ask this young person why they thought that they were able to navigate the pressures of life as a teen in 2021. In a nutshell they told me a lot of it was down to the relationship they had with their parents.

My parents always encourage honest discussion in our house.
We spend quality time together as a family.
I feel like I can tell my parents what I’m struggling with.
My parents are open with us about their experiences.

What I share here is (mostly) anecdotal evidence I have gathered from my work with teenagers. One of the key observations I have made is that mental wellbeing starts at home and so as parents, our role is to nurture an environment where our teens can flourish emotionally.

You may be aware that the rates of mental disorders among teens are growing. As we emerge from the last 18 months it has been reported that more teens are now struggling with anxiety and low mood. Unfortunately, this is something I have seen first hand in my role as a Youth Pastor. As parents we can feel powerless to know what to do and if we are not careful it can lead us to feel hopeless about our teens' mental wellbeing. However, it is my firm belief that God is never hopeless about any situation and when we seek his guidance he has solutions to share with us.

My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity. Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favour and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
*Proverbs 3:1-12*

If our mental health begins at home then what can we do as parents to support our teens' mental wellbeing and encourage them to open up?

There is no substitute for quality time

I have observed a trend; in general, teens who spend more quality time with their parents struggle less with their mental health, or when they do struggle they navigate it better.

The teenage years are when connection with parents naturally changes. Teenagers are discovering their independence afresh and their peers become increasingly important as a support network. This is all healthy growing. However, during this time connection with parents can grind to a halt if we are not intentional. As they start to push boundaries it’s possible for our relationship with them to revolve around managing discord. Are our homes a place of solace for our teens?

Often the desire to spend quality time together can get lost amongst the angst. To feel able to open up we all need to feel secure and connected. It may feel like they are pushing us away but this is the time when they need to know we don’t just love them but we like them and enjoy their company. When we spend time doing fun things together it promotes connection. We can’t expect deep and meaningful chats if our teens don’t feel connected. What we can do is prioritise doing things they enjoy together regularly. If the house is often a battleground, then spending time together outside the home can be helpful. And who knows when you’re out having fun they might just start to open up.

Offer vulnerability (to a point)

If you were struggling with something would you want to talk to someone who you think would understand? Our teens need to know that we get them and that we don’t judge them. Yes, life looked different 20, 30 years ago and we might not fully understand the new pressures that our teens face. However, we can empathise with what it’s like to be discovering who you are. Our teens need to know we struggled as teenagers and that it’s normal. They need to know we weren’t and aren’t perfect.

Tell them what it was like for you, offer your experiences. The nature of relationships is growing in maturity and a level of vulnerability with our children will make them feel safe and understood. I’m not suggesting divulging the details of your latest argument with your colleague. But sharing that we also struggle sometimes can help your child feel like they can do the same. If we want vulnerability from our children we need to model it.

Don’t always try to fix things

As our children grow towards adulthood our role in their life is changing. No longer do they need us to do everything for them but don’t be fooled by their protests they most definitely still need us, just in a different way. The young people I have spoken to often tell me that they don’t want their parents to step in and fix their problems but they do want their support through it. As parents of teens our role is to encourage our children towards greater and greater levels of healthy independence so that they have the resilience to deal with life as an adult. One young person told me that one of the best things a parent can do to support their child’s wellbeing is to trust them to have a certain level of independence. As parents we want to bring up powerful people who know they have the internal resources to deal with what life throws at them.

When our teens open up to us it is easy to want to step in and take control of the situation, naturally we want to protect them. But more often than not all our teens want is just to feel known and understood. You can always ask if they want help with the situation and then give the power back to them by helping them to problem solve. They need to know that we believe in them and that they can overcome whatever it is they are facing.

Deal with your stuff

What we carry we pass on. One of the best things we can do for our children is to look after our own wellbeing. If we struggle for instance with being controlling, angry or we have a negative body image then the likelihood is our child will too. However, on the flip side, if we take the time to pursue the freedom God offers and become people who are at peace with ourselves, others and God then that is what our children will receive from us.

We all know the saying ‘hurt people, hurt people’ and it is true especially for those we are closest to. As parents we need to prioritise our wellbeing in order to be able to give our best selves to our children. Young people are not easily fooled, they know when their parents are struggling.

God’s desire for us as parents is to be at peace, fully alive and to enjoy our children. So do whatever it is you need to do as a parent to be well. That might be as simple as having some regular time to yourself doing something you enjoy, it may be having time to connect with God or it might be seeking out therapy or prayer ministry to deal with recurring issues. You and your family's wellbeing is worth what it takes.

Contributor: Sophie Mocharrafie. Youth Pastor, Christ Church Clifton, Bristol