Whole Minds Stories : Ash’s Story

Easier to Feel Fear?

Anxiety has been an unwelcome guest at my table for many years, I can remember the very first time I felt panic rise through my stomach and my bodies fight or flight response taking over my ability to reason with myself. I have tried many different forms of therapy; CBT, talking therapy and relaxation techniques. But what became apparent to me over the years is that I’d gotten used to being anxious. Anxiety was a well-worn path that I was familiar with. Looking back, I see now that life’s challenges, family difficulties, grief in its many forms and health worries have resulted in many anxious expressions in my life. I don’t know why, but it’s easier for me to feel fear than it is for me to cry, hug or reach out and share my pain with others. 

When I was 26 my older brother passed away suddenly from heart failure, he was my friend, my childhood companion. I loved him very much, but I could not feel the pain of his loss. However, I carried a feeling of fear around with me in my chest everywhere I went, my back and chest ached with the tension. But still I could not cry and if others cried, I’d make myself scarce. I did everything I could to avoid grief. 

I would lay awake at night listening to the sound of my own heartbeat, I was convinced that what had happened to Justyn would happen to me. A farrago of feelings both emotional and physical engulfed me, all my senses on high alert. It’s exhausting to operate at that level for any length of time. 

That was many years ago now and I have grown lots since then; I still must be intentional about being present in the moment, exploring my responses, not underestimating the power of slowing down and giving attention to my mind, body and spirit. I think for me that’s praying, sleeping, spending time with my family, eating healthy food, drinking plenty of water and exercise. It sounds simple but to do these things consistently has been hard especially when I’m anxious. There was a time when I would have accepted anxiety as an unfortunate consequence of living and loving but these days I reject that thought, I believe unequivocally that I can live life free from anxiety. 

I became a Christian in 2016, at that time I was experiencing such bad anxiety that I wasn’t coping well. I’d suffered another bereavement and my life was in a really dark place, but it was in that dark place that I found faith. It’s hard to describe without it sounding a bit cliched, but in my darkest moments I met Jesus and he flooded that dark place with light and my life has been on a different path ever since. I used to listen to the fearful voice in my head and now I listen to the words of God who loves me, I’m proactive in saying no to fear. So now if ever anxious thoughts threaten my sense of peace I turn my attention fully on Jesus. I think of all the good he has done in my life; I think of all the times I’ve felt that he wasn’t there only to discover he was there all along, I put on worship music and sing the words out into the world, allowing myself a moment of wonder at our amazing Jesus.  It’s hard to feel fear when you are full of wonder!  I’ve chosen to entrust my life to God  and that is such a relief to me. I don’t have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore. I’m learning as I go to give all my past up to God, all the hurts and disappointments all the fear and loss and in return he is giving me an exciting future free from fear, he gives me peace.

There is a verse in the bible, it says this 

“Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.” And instantly the woman was made well.”

I love those words, it’s as though they are being spoken straight to my heart, it comforts and reassures me that God sees me, I know my encounter with Jesus has made me well. I still face challenges in life as everyone does but I’m no longer overwhelmed by my feelings, I try to take each day as it comes and look for all the good stuff in my life that I can be thankful for. 

If love were a person and came to speak with you, what would love say?